Troubleshooting my life.
The following is my feelings. So don’t read if you don’t want to hear me talk about my feelings and shit.
So there’s this girl. And we had a thing and it was like the first relationship where I ever got really connected with someone. However, she was cheating with me. Even though the relationship wasn’t legit, the feelings were still real. Then it ended disastrously. We stopped talking altogether in May and it was miserable.
Since then I have been, in short, fucked up and bitter. We would still see each other in between classes and it would be really terrible and I thought she hated me. I was just all torn up on the inside and just perpetually sad. I stopped caring about things and just didn’t give a fuck about anything. I tried everything to feel better; sex, relationships, making friends, all sorts of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, even MMA fighting. Nothing worked at all. The Clark College Jazz Band trip, the anniversary of when we first met, happened a few weeks ago. It really just accentuated the fucked up nature of my emotional and psychological state, and I realized I needed to fix it. So I messaged her on tumblr.
So today I talked to her for the first time in months. She came over and we smoked and talked and laughed and it was like things used to be. I basically confronted my biggest fear - the thing that was holding me back for so long. Naturally I thought that doing so would make me feel better, but it didn’t. I don’t know quite where this leaves me. I’m still broken and I don’t understand why. I am still fucked up, but I should be better now.
So in all earnestness, I beseech the tumblr community for help; what’s wrong with me and how do I fix it?
